New research in the book Nurture Shock: New Thinking About Children, re-enforces what Maria Montessori saw years ago; we don’t need to praise our child for everything. We don’t need to continually reward them or tell them how smart and talented they are. In fact, telling them this can create the opposite of what we want. It can make our child afraid to try new things, afraid of failure or afraid that they won’t meet everyone’s expectations. When we praise, it’s best for the praise to be related to the effort our child is making, and for it to be the most effective, it also needs to be specific and sincere.
Compared to traditional daycare centers, Montessori doesn’t focus on rewards and punishments, but instead encourages internal self-discipline. Montessori school educators believe in a child’s inner need to do productive work. Sensitive periods provide an internal urge and stronger reinforcement that any rewards or praise could do.
“The essence of independence is to be able to do something for one‘s self. Adults work to finish a task, but the child works in order to grow, and working to create the adult, the person that is to be.” Maria Montessori
So how can we practice this approach as parents?
Don’t give lavish praise.
The child’s work is highly valued in a Montessori classroom, praise that is given is very specific and emphasizes effort, such as “You really worked hard at that” or “You did that activity four times in a row!” or simply “You did it!”
Give encouragement or descriptive praise.
Instead of saying “You’re a good boy”, try to be specific to what the child did such as “It really helped when you put all the dishes away.”
Let your child do things themselves and gain self-confidence.
Many of the Montessori materials have a control of error so that the child can tell immediately if the activity is being done in correctly and thus do not need an external source of approval.